Managing Life

Whistle blower protection

Q: I've recently come across the term whistle blower protection and would like to know more about how it works.

A: Obviously, as a caring executive, you are not the first to ask, "How can I insure our board from the vagaries and costs associated with whistle blowing."

Sadly, instead of relying on a company's outstanding record of voluntary compliance, a bored or obstreperous employee can get a bee in her bonnet and attempt to take matters into her own hands. The result is often a tedious investigation of petty office politics that, frankly, can throw off your golf game if not nipped in the bud.

Whether you run the Catholic Church, Enron, the FBI or the BC Police Complaints Commission, there has never been a better time to cover your assets. But no need to rely on today's fads and trends. Authorities have a proud history of triumphantly squelching pesky informers that dates back to the 13th Century in England. While so called "Qui tam" actions encouraged whistle blowers by allowing them a financial share of the spoils resulting from a successful hissy-fit, you can be sure this didn't sit well with royalty.

Over time it became obvious that no one likes a whistle blower (witness even the disapproving scowl of Whistler's Mother). The take home message: this PR battle is yours to lose, my friend.

Short of financing the Cosa Nostra, you simply can't buy this kind of corporate security:

No one ever said that these people could legitimately disclose wrongdoing and mismanagement without fear of retribution. Honestly, where do they get their sense of entitlement?

But before you get into damage control do some damage assessment. Specifically, to whom did she blow and how big was the bugle? Did the informant come forward voluntarily or did she wait for a subpoena? Is there physical evidence or did the shredder/drycleaner actually work? Are you in possession of a letter eloquently articulating that your company "will implode in a wave of accounting scandals?" Or does the memo read more like an improvisational manifesto by the Unabomber? Typically, you take stock and assess your options - then you take more stock and cash in your options.

First, consider outing yourself before she outs you. For example, refer loudly and often to any of your middle-aged trysts as "youthful indiscretions."

Second, try privately to make the whistle blower come around. Flatter her. Something like, "You'd look even better in that dress if it was cut a fraction lower at the neck," is always nice and professional. Compliment her talents with a warm, personal touch: "Great job on the Power Point-hey is this nude illusion fabric?"

Next, discredit your detractor. It is generally acceptable practice to dismiss serious allegations as "flying the freak flag" or "neurotic complaints." Ideally, you can support this through access to her confidential medical records. Note that with the recent spate of hospital closures and disgruntled health workers, this is increasingly a snap.

Finally, play hardball. After a quick pass by the informant's office with a Geiger counter, use the special office shower to scrub her down. Draw inspiration from today's Middle Eastern "courts," which stone women to death if they tattle-tale on relatives who rape them. Prefer a more hands-off approach? Simply re-lower the glass ceiling and let her bash her own head.

Enjoy winning this no-brainer game. From now on, Steve, you can be sure that your staff will think twice before they just put their lips together and blow.

Copyright Catherine Warren.

Managing Life is a weekly column published Fridays in the Vancouver Sun.